Tryna Get Ahead ‘cuz a Man Says You Are Far Behind

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By Sophia Sanchez

I received unsolicited advice from a man on New Year’s Eve in Crown Heights. Let’s call him Willy.

Willy and I stayed in touch while I dated a man who had no intentions of prioritizing my happiness or the relationship. I mean it was New Year’s Eve and my “boyfriend” and I weren’t together!

On Willy and I’s second meeting, he brought me to a strip club. While he was unwilling to pay our entrance fees, he verified with security guards - this was a sure way to make money.

I was curious. Never had I been one to think I could make an immeasurable amount of money. Or strip to make my real life goals come to fruition.

Over time, Willy drilled into me…I was just a teacher. The just part meaning I was not learning new things by teaching them. I wasn’t building myself off of my mediocre income. I worked to live. I wasn’t jumping out of bed to go to work. He told me I was just like my mother, and he asked me, what did she have. He said what income, what savings, what financial plan did she have for my brother and I. He said - she wasted her youth and beauty. Willy reminded me: how many women have children with men, how many women have dreams deferred, how many women are single and broke, how many women were beautiful. He also reminded me: How many black men are imprisoned, have HIV, are fathers already. Willy also emphasized my replaceability.

So Willy emphasized I needed to get it around my thick skull that it was going to take something for my life to pan out differently.

He told me, I was stupid when it came to men. He told me I couldn’t keep a man. He told me, men only pay for things they value. During the pandemic, he told me to become a Sugar Baby. Mind you, I have a college degree and a master’s degree. He then said he would be the brains behind the ordeal. He knew how men think and what they want. So he wanted 50% of whatever deals I made. He also got me to send him $1,000 after he threatened to “leave me.” I sent him this money. I felt I was really learning a lot from him about the way men think and he got me to think that I was actually delusional. Prior to taking his advice about Sugar Babying, he had been spot on about the outcomes with the three men I had been dating from an online app and my original New Year’s Eve boyfriend.

He kept saying a man always has his bitch. He said I was his. I never wanted him or chose him. He attached himself to me and I allowed him to. He said at the end of the day, there’s always some woman who was there before it all. At different times, I felt incredibly thankful to have him because he did tell me about how life could be if I met wealthier men. I knew I had the dream of dating men wealthier than me, but didn’t know how to go about attracting them.

I went in and out of receiving Willy’s calls. My brain and heart resisted and yet, I was curious about this world. He had tips, ideas, spot on predictions and truthfully, was a man. He went in and out of “mentoring” me. I began being a SugarBaby. I met men on the street and they took me places to have intercourse.

Like Willy said, I would learn from these men and I did. But truthfully, I learned more from dating regular men who I mostly never had sex with.

I went on a date with a Sugar Daddy who was seeking a friends with benefits arrangement. He was the first one to question me - you can provide for yourself, you are a beautiful girl, why are you doing this? … is it just to make more money?

The million dollar question I didn’t want to look at - Why was I doing this?

Because I gave my power away to some man who said I was far behind and I believed him.

Because dating had been “unsuccessful,” but truthfully those were his words.

And just like that I was having sex for money and it’s not even like I valued money all that much. The first time I made money having sex with someone was thrilling and after that it never felt the same.

I met someone from a regular online dating app. We grew to FaceTiming at night. And a few days later he confirmed, he still only wanted to be friends. But he reminded me, I wasn’t far behind, I could stop tryna get ahead.

I didn’t need this man or that man or anyone’s money. I needed to hold on to me.

So the night, I was supposed to walk 20 minutes to meet a trucker on the side of the road to make some money and then walk 20 minutes with some new money in my CashApp. I thought no, this isn’t for me. So I called him up and said no, I hope you understand.

I stopped tryna “get ahead.”

I could write this article instead. I could choose to honor myself. I could never again be so influenced by unsolicited advice.

And to Willy and other men like him, maybe I’m silly and delusional. But to me: I’m confident, agile and withstanding.