I Do Not Want a Child Right Now -- And That’s Okay

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By Jewel Shariff-Edwards

I am 30 years old and married to my loving husband who does want a child. I, however, do not want to conceive a child.

Not right now, anyway.

I am firm in that decision. Even before COVID-19 turned our lives upside down and made the world seem that much scarier to bring a child into, I just was not interested in joining the ranks of motherhood at this time. Scrolling through Instagram and seeing my favorite influencers posing with their hands over their burgeoning bellies awakens not a twinge of longing in me. It doesn’t awaken dread, either. In truth, I feel instinctively that motherhood will eventually come to me and when it does, I will embrace it fully. I just don’t want to become a mother today.

Perhaps conceiving a child in the future at a time of my choosing is something I take for granted. I am the oldest of 7 siblings on my mother’s side, and the oldest of 3 on my father’s side. I have always just expected to become a mother; in my family, women trip and nine months later, we have a new baby. So, while I know I sound misinformed and entitled, based on the track record of fertility in my family, I do not foresee a problem with trying to conceive a bundle of joy when I feel the time is right for me to do so. And when will that time be? Well, when I’m good and ready.

While beautifully appointed prenatal photos might not get me going, seeing an influencer’s travels? Those pics of her stay at La Mamounia in Morocco? Those make me salivate and my heart race. It’s not that I don’t want to have a child, it’s just that before I have one, I want to cross at least six of the dream vacations I have saved up off of my list. I want to feel as if I have appropriately indulged myself and fulfilled my desires. I want to luxuriate, to self-pamper. I want to feel as if I’ve given myself everything I couldn’t have in my twenties, due to, shall we say, “monetary restrictions” -- aka I was broke af. Does that make me selfish? I think it means I’m preparing myself to give my best when I become a mother.

I am the child of relatively young parents -- my mother was nineteen when she gave birth to me and both she and my stepfather were in their early twenties when they married and we all became a family. They then proceeded to have six more children in rapid succession. While they were loving parents who afforded me every opportunity to succeed, I know that my mother would have chosen a different path for her life had she not become a parent so young -- she’s told me as much with a wistful look in her eye many times. “If I didn’t have kids, I’d be traveling right now, or taking classes…” she’s said. Well, that’s left me with a bit of apprehension!

And as the oldest of seven children, I had a lot of responsibilities growing up. I think I’m a bit jaded at the prospect of having a child because I've helped to raise five of them already and I know what it takes to do it well; maturity, patience, and resources that I don’t feel I have yet. My twenties were a time of struggle and hard work. I’ve finally reached a point in my life where I have just a little bit of extra change to breathe. And still, it’s not enough to give a child all the things I want for them. I don’t want to have a child until my husband and I have reached levels of monetary comfortability that will allow us to give him or her anything I want to provide, be that private school or private music lessons.

As a compromise, I’ve given my husband a loose timeline of when he can expect me to bear a child. “Good and ready” is looking like the age of 33 for me, and around 38 for him. In the interests of being a good partner, I feel like I do owe that to him. After all, part of the reason he was excited to get married was to embark on the journey of parenthood, and it would be selfish of me not to recognize that and give him an idea of when I will be ready to take some maternity photos of my own. I love him too much to leave him unsure. And looking ahead, I see myself being excited to conceive at that point. Most importantly, I’m taking steps now to be mentally, physically, and monetarily prepared.

You can follow Jewel on Instagram at @Jewel2121.